i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low