so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
