Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
