Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
