Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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