i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
