omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
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On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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