Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
