"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
