Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
