Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
