some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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