my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
