His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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