From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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