I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
