I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sober January is a disaster.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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