I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
