i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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