She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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