I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
