Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
