May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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