I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
