i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
