You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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