Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
