you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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