Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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