I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
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I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
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He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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