Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
