omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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