I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
