Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Floor bacon is actually really good
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
