May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
