12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
