we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
