How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
