i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You ruined the universe
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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