I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
