I bet he comes in French.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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