Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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