i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
