I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
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You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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