oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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