Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Randomize
