just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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