What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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