Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
