WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
