Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Less talking, more tequila
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
