I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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