Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
