Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Porn is love you can see.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i will never coherently bang her
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
