So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize