i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
