New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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