I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
